Learning to Be Enough: The Path to Self-Compassion

When I was younger, I didn’t have the language to describe this way of seeing others, this "measure" of who they were. It was an instinctive feeling—something I recognised without necessarily naming it. I looked for depth in people, for those who seemed to care in a way that went beyond politeness or surface-level kindness. Back then, I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what this quality was. But now, as I’ve grown and gained more perspective, I realise compassion is the word that best captures it.

And I don’t mean compassion in the sense of just being nice or “soft.” It’s not about overlooking mistakes or allowing bad behaviour to slide. It’s about the capacity to act with deep empathy, to understand and genuinely care for others in a way that shapes your actions. It’s not just kindness for kindness’s sake but rather a purposeful, intentional way of being grounded in truly seeing the person in front of you and extending understanding, even in difficult situations. Compassion has a strength to it; it's about meeting others where they are and responding from a place of care, not just comfort.

For a long time, though, I saw my guiding principle as "justice." As far back as I can remember, justice has been an anchor in my life—a strong sense of what is fair, right, and equitable. It was a straightforward way to understand the world, to make decisions, and to evaluate situations. In my mind, it was clear: if something felt unjust, I wanted to do something about it. If a situation lacked fairness, it needed to be addressed. Justice, for me, was about making sure everyone got a fair shot and no one was overlooked.

What I didn’t realise for a long time, though, was that justice, on its own, wasn't the complete picture. The more I reflected on my values and how I showed up for others, the more I recognised that it wasn’t just a drive for fairness that guided my actions; it was the underlying compassion that informed what justice meant to me. It’s justice coupled with compassion that truly drives me.

In other words, it’s not just about applying rules or standards to ensure fairness—it's about applying those principles with a layer of empathy, with a concern for the well-being of others. Justice without compassion can easily become rigid or unyielding, but compassion brings understanding, a way of seeing beyond the act itself to the person behind it. It’s not about making excuses for poor behaviour but about considering the full context—understanding the circumstances, motivations, and challenges that shape people's actions.

This blend of justice and compassion feels like a truer representation of what I've valued all along. I’ve come to see that compassion is not just a soft, optional quality; it’s a vital force that drives meaningful change. It adds depth to justice and grounds it in humanity, making sure that our actions not only reflect what is right but also extend the kindness and understanding that helps us connect on a deeper level.

Discovering Self-Compassion

While compassion for others has always felt natural to me—an empathy that balances fairness with care—self-compassion took me longer to grasp. I’ve always viewed compassion as something that shapes our interactions with the world, a guiding principle for how we connect with and support others. But when it came to turning that same compassion inward, I wasn’t sure what it really meant. Self-compassion felt like it might mean giving myself a free pass, making excuses, or lowering my standards. If I were too kind to myself, would I lose the drive to be better?

It’s easy to see why I felt this way. We live in a culture that celebrates self-improvement through self-criticism—constantly pushing for more, doing better, and focusing on where we fall short. In this mindset, self-compassion can seem fluffy, indulgent, or even like a barrier to real progress. If we’re kind to ourselves, we worry we might become complacent or simply gloss over our flaws. I used to think that self-compassion was about justifying mistakes or avoiding accountability.

But what I’ve come to realise is that self-compassion isn’t about lowering the bar. It’s about creating a space where growth is sustainable and grounded in self-awareness and kindness. Instead of criticising ourselves into change, self-compassion allows us to face our imperfections honestly, learn from them, and choose to move forward in a way that aligns with our values. Just as compassion for others isn’t about overlooking behaviour but understanding it, self-compassion is about meeting ourselves with the same empathy and care.

It’s not about letting ourselves off the hook; it’s about learning to support ourselves through life’s challenges, allowing mistakes to be opportunities for growth, not reasons for shame.

What Is Self-Compassion (And What It’s Not)

Defining Self-Compassion in Clear Terms

Self-compassion is about relating to ourselves in a way that fosters understanding, support, and growth. At its core, it means approaching our own struggles and imperfections with the same kindness and care we would offer a close friend. But it can be broken down into three key elements that make it easier to understand and practice:

- Self-Kindness: This is about treating yourself with warmth and understanding, especially when you’re going through a hard time. It’s about speaking to yourself as you would to someone you care about, offering patience instead of criticism, and allowing yourself to be imperfect without the need for harsh judgment.

- Common Humanity: Recognizing that you’re not alone in your struggles is a powerful aspect of self-compassion. Everyone experiences setbacks, failures, and challenges; they’re part of being human. When we acknowledge that suffering is a shared experience, it becomes easier to approach ourselves with more empathy and less self-blame.

- Mindfulness: Mindfulness in self-compassion is about being aware of your thoughts and feelings without being consumed by them. It’s not about ignoring pain or pretending it doesn’t exist, but about seeing it clearly without over-identifying with it. This helps you to keep perspective and approach your challenges with balance.

Debunking Myths About Self-Compassion

Self-compassion often comes with some misconceptions that can make it seem unappealing or “soft,” so let’s clear up what self-compassion isn’t:

- Not a “Free Pass”: Self-compassion doesn’t mean you ignore your faults or harmful behaviors. It’s not about making excuses or letting yourself off the hook. Instead, it’s about finding a kinder approach to self-improvement—one that understands you may not always get it right, but that change is most effective when it’s rooted in self-support, not self-punishment.

- Not Self-Indulgence: Being compassionate toward yourself is often mistaken for self-indulgence. The worry is that if you go easy on yourself, you’ll stop trying to "be better". But in reality, self-compassion helps you hold yourself accountable in a constructive way. It encourages you to take responsibility, learn from your mistakes, and make healthier choices—not from a place of shame but genuine care for your well-being.

- Not Fluff: Self-compassion can sound like a feel-good buzzword, but it’s far from fluff. Research shows that practising self-compassion fosters resilience, emotional well-being, and personal growth. When you learn to be kinder to yourself, you’re better equipped to handle life’s challenges, bounce back from setbacks, and grow more authentically and sustainably.

So, self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about offering yourself the understanding and support you need to grow and thrive. It’s about being human, being present, and choosing to treat yourself with the same compassion you so freely give to others.

Why Self-Compassion Matters for Personal Growth

Self-Compassion as a Foundation for True Growth

Self-compassion is at the heart of authentic personal growth, creating a foundation for change that is both kind and effective. It’s often described as “the urge to help ourselves” when we are experiencing difficult emotions or situations. It is the ability to turn toward ourselves with loving-kindness when we are feeling shame, anger, loneliness, fear, despair, or confusion.

The thing is, when faced with negative emotions, our natural survival instinct kicks in. We're biologically programmed to seek safety and positive feelings while protecting ourselves from perceived threats. This “fight, flight, or freeze” response has evolved as a defence mechanism to help us avoid harm. But when our perceived danger is our own emotions—when we feel shame, self-doubt, or despair—the “fight” often turns inward. We end up battling with ourselves, criticising or condemning the very emotions we’re experiencing.

This is where the inner critic can become a barrier to growth. An overly harsh inner critic traps us in cycles of self-blame and shame, making it difficult to navigate challenges with an open, growth-oriented mindset. Instead of being able to reflect and learn, we become stuck in self-criticism, seeing our mistakes as evidence of our inadequacy rather than opportunities to learn. This self-attacking approach might feel like it keeps us on our toes or drives improvement, but in reality, it leaves us fearful of failure, anxious about our worth, and often paralysed in our inability to make meaningful changes.

Self-compassion offers a radically different approach. It allows us to respond to our suffering not by fighting or fleeing from our emotions but by turning toward them with understanding. Instead of seeing difficult emotions as weaknesses to overcome, self-compassion creates a safe, non-judgmental space where we can explore our challenges honestly. In that space, we can learn from our mistakes without becoming overwhelmed by them, and we can move forward authentically without feeling the need to hide or disguise our struggles. It doesn’t mean ignoring our faults—it means approaching them with care and curiosity, fostering a more sustainable and kind path to growth.

Self-Compassion Promotes Authenticity and Self-Acceptance

One of the most powerful aspects of self-compassion is its ability to promote both authenticity and self-acceptance. Practising self-compassion allows you to accept where you are at any given moment while still striving for where you want to go. Instead of creating a constant battle between who you are and who you think you “should” be, self-compassion lets you embrace your imperfections as part of the human experience. It’s not about lowering standards or resigning yourself to the status quo; it’s about recognising that setbacks, flaws, and failures are not signs of inadequacy—they’re simply part of living.

This acceptance paves the way for more genuine growth. When you approach yourself with compassion, you develop a deeper, kinder relationship with yourself. You stop fearing your emotions, your mistakes, and your imperfections. Instead, you see them as part of your journey—a journey that’s about understanding yourself, being patient through change, and growing in a way that feels aligned with your true self. This fosters resilience and courage, making it easier to face life’s challenges without being weighed down by self-criticism.

Ultimately, self-compassion allows you to improve from a place of self-support rather than self-attack. It makes growth possible, not because you’re constantly driving yourself to “be better,” but because you’re approaching yourself with empathy, understanding, and the desire to live more authentically. And in doing so, you’re able to build a more balanced, resilient, and emotionally healthy life.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion can feel challenging at first, especially if you're used to being self-critical. But as Dr. Kristen Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, emphasizes, this practice is accessible to all of us and can be developed step by step. Neff outlines three core components of self-compassion—self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness—that you can begin incorporating into your daily life through these practical exercises.

1. Start with Self-Kindness Practices

Self-kindness is about shifting the way you speak to yourself and treating yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a close friend. Often, we’re quick to criticize ourselves when things go wrong, but self-kindness invites us to respond with warmth and support instead. Here are some ways to start:

• Compassionate Self-Talk
  Pay attention to how you speak to yourself, especially when you’re facing a setback. If you find your inner critic coming down hard, pause and try to reframe those thoughts. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I always mess things up,” gently shift it to something more compassionate, like, “I’m going through a hard time right now, and it’s okay to struggle.” This doesn’t mean ignoring the challenge but acknowledging it with kindness.

• Comforting Gestures
  Physical touch can be a powerful way to self-soothe and bring self-kindness into your body. Try placing a hand over your heart when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or sad. Take a moment to breathe deeply and feel the warmth of your touch. Other gestures, like giving yourself a gentle hug or resting your hands on your cheeks, can help remind you to treat yourself with tenderness and care in difficult moments.

2. Recognise Your Common Humanity

One of the key aspects of self-compassion, as described by Kristen Neff, is recognising that suffering, setbacks, and challenges are a universal part of the human experience. This awareness helps us see our struggles in perspective—it's not just "me" who suffers, but “we.”

• Shared Struggles
  When faced with a personal difficulty, remind yourself that everyone experiences moments of doubt, failure, or pain. It can be comforting to remember that you’re not alone in your struggles; everyone, no matter how put-together they may seem, faces similar challenges. It’s okay to acknowledge that life is difficult for everyone sometimes—it doesn't make you weak or unworthy; it simply makes you human.

• Perspective-Shift
  Reframing how you see your struggles is a powerful way to tap into common humanity. Instead of seeing your mistakes as a sign that something is wrong with you, try to view them as part of a larger, shared experience. For instance, if you're feeling like a failure after a difficult work presentation, remind yourself that everyone experiences setbacks and that it’s a normal part of growth and learning. This shift in perspective allows you to approach your challenges with empathy and patience rather than self-criticism.

3. Practice Mindfulness Without Self-Judgment

Mindfulness is the third component of self-compassion and focuses on being present with our thoughts and emotions without over-identifying with them or judging ourselves for feeling a certain way. When practiced without self-criticism, mindfulness helps you cultivate a gentle awareness of your experiences, allowing you to respond more thoughtfully.

• Mindful Journaling
  A simple way to practice mindfulness is to put your thoughts and feelings on paper without filtering or judging them. Journaling can provide a space to express what’s going on internally, which can help you observe your thoughts as they are. Use prompts like “What am I feeling right now?” or “What would I say to a friend going through this?” This exercise encourages you to acknowledge your emotions with openness and self-compassion, helping you move from self-criticism to self-understanding.

• Mindful Meditation
  Practicing meditation is another effective way to cultivate self-compassionate mindfulness. Start with a short breathing exercise—close your eyes, take deep breaths, and notice how you’re feeling in your body. A body scan can be helpful as well: move your attention slowly from your toes to your head, simply observing any sensations that come up without trying to change them. The goal is to stay present with your emotions and thoughts without being overwhelmed or dismissive—just noticing them as part of your current experience.

Small Steps to Build Self-Compassion

These practical steps may feel small, but over time they build a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Practicing self-kindness, connecting with common humanity, and bringing mindful awareness to your emotions can gradually shift how you respond to your inner struggles. And as Dr. Neff suggests, self-compassion isn’t about becoming someone different; it’s about treating yourself with the care and understanding you deserve, just as you would with someone you love.

By integrating these steps into your daily life, you open up the possibility to respond to challenges with greater warmth, patience, and acceptance—allowing for more genuine growth and deeper well-being.

My Journey with Self-Compassion

Like many women, I’ve been a big self-care advocate in recent years. However, I’ve come to realise that self-care can often feel like an external practice—something we "do" to love ourselves more. While a spa day, a long bath, or a manicure/pedicure (my personal favourite) are wonderful ways to relax, they can sometimes overshadow the deeper work of self-compassion. The danger in the self-care conversation, and something I've fallen into myself, is placing too much emphasis on what we do for ourselves, rather than on how we speak to ourselves.

That’s not to say these self-care rituals aren’t important—they are. But we can easily fall into the trap of thinking we’re "caring" for ourselves, only to find that we're still stressed, pressured, or, most troubling, self-critical. I make time to nurture my mind and body daily (even if it’s a bit rushed some days), and yet there are still times when my inner critic becomes harsh and demanding. It tells me I'm not doing enough, not giving enough, not being enough.

Feeling inadequate can be deeply painful, and yet so often, our reaction to falling short is to criticise or mock ourselves—responding in ways we’d never dream of treating a friend. It's been eye-opening to realise that, even in practising self-care, I was missing the compassion piece.

Reading books like Chris Germer's The Mindful Path to Self Compassion, and Tara Brach’s Radical Self Compassion, have been transformative as part of my deeper dive into self-compassion. They helped me understand that my habit of turning away from pain or denying uncomfortable emotions was often what caused me the most stress. Tara Brach’s work, in particular, taught me to be more present with my painful feelings, offering them understanding rather than resistance. This practice has been particularly important whilst naviagting grief this past year.

Moments of Self-Compassion in Action

There have been moments when practising self-compassion has made a real difference—whether through self-talk during difficult times or responding more gently to my own perceived "failures." For example, when I catch myself spiralling into self-criticism after a setback, I remind myself that it’s okay to be imperfect, to struggle, and to feel vulnerable (which is not easy for me). I actively try to speak to myself with the same kindness I'd extend to a friend. This simple shift in my inner dialogue helps soften my inner critic, allowing me to approach myself with patience and understanding.

Balancing Self-Accountability and Self-Kindness

Self-compassion has helped me find a healthier balance between self-accountability and self-kindness. It’s allowed me to hold myself to my values and goals while also giving space for my humanity. Now, instead of pushing myself relentlessly, I’m learning to encourage myself from a place of support rather than criticism—and that has changed not just how I grow, but how I relate to myself every day.

Self-Compassion and My Coaching Practice

My personal journey with self-compassion hasn’t just transformed the way I relate to myself; it’s also profoundly influenced my approach to coaching. As I've learned to soften my inner critic and embrace my imperfections with kindness, I’ve seen how powerful this practice is for fostering authentic growth—not just in myself but in the people I work with.

One of the key aspects of self-compassion is its ability to create a safe space for exploring struggles without fear of judgment. In my coaching sessions, I emphasize this non-judgmental approach, encouraging clients to bring their whole selves to our conversations—their doubts, fears, failures, and hopes—without feeling the need to hide or mask their vulnerabilities. When clients are able to approach their own challenges with self-compassion, they’re more willing to dive into the deeper work of understanding where their struggles come from and how they affect their actions. They start to let go of self-criticism, which can be paralyzing, and instead cultivate a mindset that’s open to learning and growth.

Self-compassion helps clients build the courage to confront their inner critic, to question those voices that tell them they're not enough, and to hold space for their imperfections. It's in this space of self-compassionate exploration that real breakthroughs happen. By reframing their mistakes and struggles as normal parts of the human experience rather than as personal failings, clients start to see themselves as capable, worthy, and resilient—qualities essential for any kind of lasting change.

Moreover, helping clients cultivate self-compassion is key to unlocking long-lasting, authentic transformation. It’s not about forcing change from a place of “should” or “must do better,” but about allowing change to emerge naturally as they begin to accept and understand themselves more fully. When people approach their growth from a compassionate perspective, they’re more likely to make changes that are aligned with their true values, because those changes come from self-awareness and self-care, not pressure or fear.

Self-compassion also promotes a healthier way to set and pursue goals. Rather than setting goals based on avoiding criticism or trying to prove something, clients learn to set goals based on their genuine desires, needs, and passions. And when they inevitably face setbacks along the way, self-compassion allows them to respond with patience and persistence rather than giving up in frustration or self-doubt.

Ultimately, self-compassion isn’t just a tool for personal development—it’s the foundation for a balanced and empowered approach to life. And like any meaningful change, it’s a practice—one that takes time, intention, and support to fully embrace. It’s something I’m continually working on myself, with the guidance of my own coach.

Embracing Self-Compassion as a Path to Growth

Take a moment to reflect on how you respond to yourself when things don’t go as planned, when you make mistakes, or when you feel like you’re just not "enough." Do you find yourself pushing harder, striving to do more, or criticizing yourself for falling short? Now imagine what it would look like if, instead, you approached those moments with kindness and understanding. How would it feel to let go of the relentless need to be better and start to believe that you are enough just as you are?

I invite you to explore what it means to introduce more self-compassion into your daily life. Notice how you react to your struggles or setbacks, and see if there’s room to respond differently—with more gentleness, patience, and care. This might mean pausing to remind yourself that mistakes are part of the human experience or offering a comforting gesture when you're feeling overwhelmed. It’s about allowing yourself to learn and grow without the constant pressure to be perfect.

Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or avoiding growth—it’s about building a foundation of kindness and understanding so you can grow in a more sustainable and balanced way. It’s about showing up for yourself when life gets tough, treating yourself like someone who is already enough and worthy of care, instead of always feeling the need to push harder or be better.

Think of self-compassion as a practice—a series of small, daily steps that make more room for self-acceptance. It might be taking a breath when you feel overwhelmed, speaking kindly to yourself after a mistake, or simply giving yourself permission to be a work in progress. Each act of self-compassion, no matter how small, can change the way you experience and navigate life.

So, here’s something to think about: What’s one way you can show yourself a little more compassion today?

Sometimes, those small moments of kindness can make the biggest difference.