Unlocking Calm: Understanding Your Nervous System
Meeting My Nervous System
In recent years, I’ve been introduced to my nervous system—yes, my own nervous system. It's funny to me now that I didn’t know much about it before; I mean, I’d heard of it, of course, but never truly understood how much it influences my day-to-day life. And when I think about it, this is something that we need to talk about more—how our nervous systems affect the way we live, respond, and interact with the world around us.
It’s become clearer to me how my nervous system plays a crucial role in how I show up in my life, particularly when it comes to the moments of dysregulation. Those times when I feel anxious, overwhelmed, or disconnected, unable to respond to challenges in the way I'd like to. I've found that understanding how my nervous system operates is a game-changer. It's not just an abstract concept or medical term—it's a core aspect of how we experience life. And for me, this process of exploration has been about recognising those moments of dysregulation and learning to respond to them with more intention and care.
I’ve come to see that our nervous systems aren’t just about physical reactions; they are deeply intertwined with our emotional and mental well-being. By learning how our nervous systems work and understanding the cues and signals they send, we have the power to regulate better. It’s like having a key that unlocks balance, safety, and connection, allowing us to respond to life from a place of awareness rather than reactivity.
The truth is, our nervous systems shape everything—from how we connect with loved ones to how we handle stress at work. And the more I dig into this topic, the more fascinated I become about how it all works. So, let's explore what it means to understand, listen to, and work with our nervous systems, and why this matters for living a more connected and present life.
The Role of the Nervous System in Daily Life
Our nervous system is like an ever-active conductor, orchestrating how we move through life, interact with others, and respond to challenges. At the core of this process is the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), which operates behind the scenes, managing many of our involuntary bodily functions. Think of it as the autopilot that controls your heart rate, digestion, breathing, and even how you react to stress or seek comfort and connection.
The Sympathetic vs. Parasympathetic Systems
The ANS is split into two main branches that work together to help us navigate different experiences—though they can often feel like they’re at odds.
The Sympathetic System (Fight/Flight): This is the "get up and go" side of your nervous system. When you sense a threat—whether real, perceived, or even imagined—the sympathetic system takes over, mobilising your body to act. It ramps up your heart rate, increases alertness, tenses muscles, and essentially prepares you to either face the challenge head-on (fight) or get away quickly (flight). This state is crucial for survival, but it’s also highly energy-intensive, and we aren't meant to stay in it long-term.
The Parasympathetic System (Rest/Digest): On the flip side is the calming branch—the parasympathetic system. After the threat has passed, this system kicks in to bring your body back to a state of calm. It slows down your heart rate, helps you relax, promotes digestion, and allows for recovery and healing. It's like a built-in reset button that reminds you to breathe, rest, and recharge. Ideally, we spend more time in this state, as it helps us feel grounded and connected.
Shifting Between States
Throughout the day, we’re constantly shifting between these two states—sometimes subtly and sometimes intensely—in response to both internal and external stimuli. Think about how your body reacts to that unexpected work email, an awkward social interaction, or even the joy of seeing a loved one. Your nervous system is continually scanning your environment and adjusting your state based on perceived safety or stress. You might notice moments when you’re fully present, calm, and grounded (parasympathetic), and others when you’re tense, alert, or even agitated (sympathetic).
Regulation vs. Dysregulation
This is where the concepts of "regulation" and "dysregulation" come into play. Regulation is the ability to manage and balance emotional, physiological, and behavioural responses in a way that is appropriate to the situation, allowing for calm, connection, and adaptability. Dysregulation refers to the inability of the body and mind to effectively manage or regulate emotional, physiological, or behavioural responses. When your nervous system is regulated, you’re able to move fluidly between these states without getting stuck. You feel balanced, present, and can respond to stressors appropriately without becoming overwhelmed. In contrast, dysregulation occurs when your nervous system becomes "stuck" in one state—either overly activated (fight/flight) or overly withdrawn (shutdown). This can leave you feeling frazzled, disconnected, or unable to cope effectively with what’s happening around you.
Understanding this dance between regulation and dysregulation is key to managing how we experience our daily lives. By recognising how our nervous system reacts to different situations, we can learn to support our body in moving back toward balance and presence—whether through deep breathing, taking a walk, or simply becoming aware of what's happening internally. It's not about always being calm or happy; it's about understanding where we are at any given moment and knowing how to come back to a state that feels safe and connected.
Polyvagal Theory: Understanding the Vagus Nerve
When I first encountered Polyvagal Theory, it opened up a whole new way of understanding how my nervous system works—and why I feel the way I do in certain situations. Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory offers a deeper, more nuanced view of the nervous system, showing us that the vagus nerve influences our reactions to stress, connection, and safety.
The vagus nerve is at the heart of Polyvagal Theory and plays a crucial role in how we experience the world, both physically and emotionally. As I learned more, I realised how much our nervous systems govern our sense of safety, connection, and stress, with the vagus nerve acting as a central communicator between the brain and body.
What is the Vagus Nerve?
The vagus nerve is the 10th cranial nerve, and it’s often referred to as the “wandering nerve” because it stretches from the brainstem, down through the neck, and into the heart, lungs, and digestive system. It’s the longest nerve in the autonomic nervous system and plays a key role in controlling involuntary body functions, such as heart rate, digestion, and respiratory rate.
But what makes the vagus nerve so fascinating—and central to Polyvagal Theory—is that it not only influences these automatic functions but also connects directly to our emotional state. It helps to regulate whether we feel calm and connected, or stressed and anxious. Understanding this connection offers insight into why certain physical responses (like shallow breathing or a racing heart) often accompany emotional states of anxiety, fear, or even social engagement.
The Three Pathways of the Vagus Nerve in Polyvagal Theory
According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, the vagus nerve operates in a hierarchical manner, reflecting different levels of response based on perceived safety or threat. There are three distinct states we move through, each tied to a different pathway of the vagus nerve:
Ventral Vagal Pathway (Social Engagement System): This branch of the vagus nerve supports feelings of safety, calmness, and connection. When we’re in the ventral vagal state, our body is relaxed, we breathe deeply, our heart rate is steady, and we feel open to social interaction. This is the state where we feel grounded, present, and able to engage meaningfully with others. It’s our most adaptive state, allowing us to regulate emotions, communicate clearly, and build relationships.
Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight/Flight Response): When we perceive danger or a threat, the body shifts into the fight or flight mode, governed by the sympathetic nervous system. This is an evolutionary survival response, increasing heart rate, speeding up breathing, and flooding the body with adrenaline to prepare for action. While not directly controlled by the vagus nerve, it’s part of the autonomic nervous system’s overall response to stress. This state makes us feel alert, on edge, or ready to respond to perceived danger—whether real or imagined.
Dorsal Vagal Pathway (Shutdown/Freeze Response): If the body perceives that the threat is overwhelming or inescapable, it may activate the dorsal vagal pathway, which leads to a state of shutdown or immobilisation. This is the body’s way of protecting itself when fight or flight isn’t possible. In this state, we may feel emotionally numb, disconnected, or even experience dissociation, where we feel detached from our surroundings or our bodies. The dorsal vagal state is often associated with withdrawal or a deep sense of helplessness.
The Hierarchy of States
What makes Polyvagal Theory so insightful is its explanation of how we move through these states in response to what’s happening around us. When we feel safe and connected, we’re in the ventral vagal state. But when we encounter stress or threat, we shift into the sympathetic fight-or-flight mode. If the threat becomes overwhelming, we may drop further into the dorsal vagal state, shutting down completely.
This hierarchy isn’t just a theoretical model; it’s a map of how our bodies respond to life. The good news is that, by becoming aware of these states, we can learn to recognise where we are in the hierarchy and use tools to shift ourselves back toward safety and connection. Whether through breathwork, mindful movement, or simply acknowledging our emotions, we can begin to regulate our nervous system and bring ourselves back to a more balanced state.
Understanding these states has been incredibly empowering for me. Now, when I feel dysregulated—whether it's tension creeping in or a sense of disconnection is taking over—I can better identify what’s happening in my body and guide myself back to calm and presence. This isn’t just about managing stress; it’s about living with more awareness of how our bodies and minds are deeply intertwined.
The Vagus Nerve’s Role in Emotional Regulation
The vagus nerve acts as a bridge between the body and the brain, constantly sending signals back and forth. When we feel safe and connected, the vagus nerve helps keep our body balanced and calm (ventral vagal). However, when we perceive danger, it triggers either the fight/flight response or, in more extreme cases, the freeze/shutdown response.
This ability to move between different states is essential for survival. Still, when the system gets stuck in either fight/flight or shutdown, it can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, or disconnection. That’s why regulating the vagus nerve—and by extension, the nervous system—is key for emotional well-being. Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and connection with others can help activate the ventral vagal pathway, bringing the body back to a state of calm and safety.
Practical Ways to Stimulate the Vagus Nerve
Stimulating the vagus nerve is a key part of nervous system regulation. By intentionally engaging the vagus nerve, we can encourage our body to shift from stress or shutdown into a state of calm and connection. Here are some ways to stimulate the vagus nerve:
Deep, Slow Breathing: Slow, deep breaths—especially lengthening the exhale—activate the parasympathetic system and the ventral vagal pathway, calming the nervous system.
Humming or Singing: The vagus nerve runs near the vocal cords, and humming, singing, or chanting can help stimulate it.
Cold Exposure: Brief exposure to cold water, such as splashing cold water on your face, can stimulate the vagus nerve and help reset the nervous system.
Mindful Movement: Gentle exercises like yoga or tai chi promote body awareness and can help bring the nervous system into a more regulated state.
Social Connection: Eye contact, touch, and talking with trusted loved ones engage the ventral vagal system, which fosters feelings of safety and connection.
Recognising Dysregulation in Daily Life
Dysregulation can creep up on us in so many ways, often in the smallest, most subtle moments. I’ve learned over time that it’s not just the big, overwhelming emotions that throw us off; sometimes, it’s as simple as realising I’ve disconnected from the people around me because I’m too caught up in the stress of a work issue. It might be something small, like noticing my heart rate speeding up or my breath becoming shallow when I’m feeling the pressure of a busy day. These are the everyday moments where my body is telling me I’ve moved into a state of stress—yet I often ignore these signals because they feel so familiar.
But sometimes, dysregulation gets brought to your attention in a much more obvious, and often painful, way. After I lost my dad, everything felt like a blur for a while. Once the funeral was over and the tasks that come with loss were finished, I entered what I now know was a dorsal vagal state—the shutdown or freeze response. It was as if I was floating a few inches behind my own body, disconnected from the world. One night, as I was saying goodnight to my son, he looked at me with concern and asked, “Are you ever going to be normal again, Mama?”
That question hit me hard. I’m his co-regulator, the person he looks to for safety and comfort, and he could sense that I was deeply dysregulated. I knew that grief had me in its grip, but it wasn’t until that moment that I fully realised how far I had drifted. His words jolted me into the awareness that I needed to do something to bring myself back from that place. I couldn’t continue floating through my days in a state of numbness; I needed to find my way back to presence, both for myself and for him.
Recognising these signs of dysregulation has been crucial for me. Whether it’s tension building up before a meeting or a sense of disconnection after a tough conversation, my body is constantly offering me cues about where I am in that nervous system hierarchy. It’s not about getting it “right” or fixing the dysregulation instantly. It’s about building awareness and tuning in to what’s happening in my body so I can gently guide myself back to a place of balance and safety.
By noticing these small cues—like a racing heart, tightness in my chest, or a sense of emotional numbness—I can better understand whether I’m in a fight/flight state, a freeze/shutdown state, or, on my best days, a social engagement state. This awareness helps me shift from feeling overwhelmed to taking small, meaningful steps toward regulation, toward being more present in my life again. I've actually got into the habit of checking with myself every morning.
Tools for Nervous System Regulation
When it comes to regulating our nervous system, there are a variety of practices that can help bring us back into balance. The key is learning to tune into your body and become aware of the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) cues it gives you. However, it’s important to remember that different techniques work for different people. It’s all about finding what feels safe and supportive for you at any given moment.
Body Awareness and Grounding Techniques
One of the simplest, yet most powerful, ways to start regulating your nervous system is to increase your awareness of your body. Often, we move through our day disconnected from our physical sensations, so bringing attention to them can be the first step in recognising which nervous system state you’re in. You might notice tightness in your chest, a racing heartbeat, or a feeling of warmth or coldness. These are all cues that your body is trying to tell you something.
Grounding practices are a great way to help shift yourself back to a place of balance when you’re feeling dysregulated. These can be as simple as:
Breathing exercises: Try taking slow, deep breaths, focusing on extending the exhale to activate the parasympathetic (rest/digest) response.
Body scans: Close your eyes and mentally scan your body from head to toe, noticing any areas of tension or discomfort. Simply acknowledging what’s there can create a sense of calm.
Hand on heart: Placing your hand on your heart or belly and feeling the warmth of your touch can help bring you back to a ventral vagal state, where you feel safe and connected.
These techniques, inspired by the work of Deb Dana, can help you "come home" to your body in moments of stress, but it's important to choose practices that feel comfortable for you.
Movement and Connection
Our bodies are designed to move, and gentle movement is one of the best ways to discharge built-up stress and energy. Activities like walking, stretching, or even a simple yoga practice can help shift you out of a fight/flight state and bring you back to a place of calm. The goal here isn’t intense exercise but rather moving in a way that feels good and helps your body "shake off" the tension.
Another crucial aspect of regulation is connection. Human beings are wired for connection, and engaging with others can activate your social engagement system, bringing you back to a place of safety. This could mean making eye contact with a loved one, having a supportive conversation with a friend, or even cuddling up with a pet. These moments of connection signal to your nervous system that you're safe and supported, much like in ancient times when returning to the group after hunting or facing threats signalled safety and security within the tribe or community.
Mindful Practices and Self-Compassion
Mindfulness is a practice that helps you observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. By becoming a compassionate observer of your own experience, you can create space between your emotional reactions and your awareness of them. When you notice yourself becoming dysregulated, mindfulness offers you the chance to step back, acknowledge what’s happening, and choose how you want to respond, rather than being swept up by your nervous system’s automatic reactions.
It’s important to link this with self-compassion, which I've mentioned in previous posts. When you’re feeling dysregulated, offering yourself kindness and patience can be a game-changer. This might look like telling yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “I’m doing the best I can right now.” Self-compassion softens the harsh edges of dysregulation and supports your journey back to a regulated state.
A Word of Caution: Personalising Your Practices
While these tools can be incredibly effective, it’s important to remember that everyone’s nervous system is different, and what works for one person may not work for another. If you’ve experienced trauma, certain practices like yoga or meditation might feel unsafe or triggering. In those cases, it’s okay to skip those practices and focus on other tools that feel more supportive, such as grounding exercises or connection with others. The goal isn’t to endure discomfort but to find what feels stabilising and safe for you.
Regulating your nervous system is not about perfection or doing all the right things—it’s about experimenting with what works for you and offering yourself patience and grace along the way. Over time, you’ll start to notice which practices help bring you back to a sense of balance and safety, and those will become your go-to tools for navigating the ups and downs of daily life.
Integrating Nervous System Awareness into Your Daily Life
Integrating nervous system awareness into your daily routine is a powerful way to stay more grounded and connectedwith yourself. It’s not about achieving a state of perfect calm all the time, but about noticing where you are and gently guiding yourself back when you feel off balance. This awareness helps us navigate life’s ups and downs with more resilience and presence.
Daily Check-Ins
One of the most effective practices you can start today is doing simple nervous system check-ins throughout your day. These check-ins are quick, yet impactful moments where you pause and ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now? What state am I in?” This can be as brief as taking a breath between tasks at work, before entering a difficult conversation, or even while brushing your teeth in the morning.
Personally, these check-ins have transformed the way I relate to my emotional state. Rather than getting swept away by stress or discomfort, I can now catch those early signals—like my breath becoming shallow or tension building in my body—and respond before I spiral into overwhelm. It’s about creating moments of pause, and in those pauses, I’ve found greater clarity and connection to what I need in that moment.
This practice has also helped me better understand my patterns. I’m more aware now of the triggers that push me into fight/flight mode, and the times when I might shut down and withdraw. With that awareness comes choice—the choice to take a deep breath, move my body, or seek connection with someone who can help me regulate.
Practising Regulation Regularly
It’s important to recognise that regulating your nervous system is an ongoing practice. Some days you might notice dysregulation right away, while on other days, it might take time to realise how much stress has built up. Both experiences are normal, and both offer opportunities to practice.
For me, regulation can look like stepping away from my desk for a five-minute walk, taking slow, deep breaths, or cuddling up with the kids. These practices are small, but when used consistently, they add up. Over time, I’ve noticed that I can return to a more balanced state more easily because I’ve trained myself to check in and respond with care.
Remember, the goal isn’t to stay regulated all the time. Life is full of challenges that will naturally push us out of balance. The real skill is learning to notice those moments and using tools to gently guide yourself back. This ongoing practice helps build resilience, so that even when you’re facing stress, you know you have what it takes to return to calm.
Linking Nervous System Awareness to Self-Compassion
One of the most transformative aspects of nervous system awareness is the opportunity it gives us to practice self-compassion. When you check in with yourself and notice you’re feeling anxious, tense, or shut down, it’s easy to get frustrated or critical. But instead of meeting dysregulation with judgment, I’ve found that offering myself kindness has made all the difference.
When I notice that my body is in a fight/flight state or starting to shut down, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way. My nervous system is doing its job—it’s trying to protect me. This shift in perspective, from frustration to compassion, has brought more calm and ease into my life. By treating myself with care in moments of stress, I can more easily return to a place of balance and presence.
Tuning into your nervous system with self-compassion isn’t just about making yourself feel better in the moment; it helps you build a stronger, more supportive relationship with yourself over time. It reinforces the idea that you can meet whatever comes your way with grace and understanding, ultimately bringing more calm, resilience, and presence into your life.
Integrating these small practices—daily check-ins, regular regulation techniques, and self-compassion—creates a foundation for navigating life’s challenges with greater awareness and ease. And over time, this awareness becomes a habit that allows you to stay more connected to yourself, even when the world feels chaotic.
Final Takeaways and Reflection
Understanding the nervous system and Polyvagal Theory is more than just learning about science—it’s an invitation to connect with yourself in a deeper, more compassionate way. This knowledge allows you to see how your body responds to stress, safety, and connection, giving you a clearer picture of why you react the way you do in certain situations. It’s not about changing who you are, but about understanding yourself more fully and offering yourself the kindness and support you need to navigate life’s challenges.
As you reflect on this, consider how you might start to notice your own nervous system states throughout the day. Where do you tend to linger—are you often in social engagement, feeling calm and connected? Or do you frequently find yourself in fight/flight mode, on high alert and tense? Perhaps you’ve experienced moments of shutdown, when everything feels overwhelming and you withdraw. The beauty of nervous system awareness is that once you know where you are, you can begin to gently guide yourself back to balance.
Reflective Questions:
Take a moment to reflect on these questions:
“What state do I tend to find myself in most often—social engagement, fight/flight, or shutdown?”
“What’s one small practice I can try today to support my nervous system?”
Even one small shift—a deep breath, a walk, a moment of self-compassion—can help bring you back into a state of regulation, where you feel more present and grounded.
Next Steps
I’d love to hear about your experiences and insights on this journey of nervous system awareness. What have you noticed about moving through different states? What practices have worked for you? Please feel free to share in the comments—your reflections could inspire others!
If you’ve found this blog helpful, consider sharing it with others who might benefit from understanding how their nervous system shapes their experiences. The more we spread awareness, the more we can support each other in fostering resilience and wellbeing.
