Why We Struggle to Build Life-Improving Habits
Understanding Immunity to Change
We often set out with the best intentions to form new habits—whether it’s exercising regularly, eating healthier, or practising mindfulness. These habits are ones we know will improve our lives, yet many of us struggle to maintain them. Why is that?
At its core, habit formation involves creating a new routine that becomes automatic over time through repetition. It sounds straightforward, but the process often meets resistance due to deeper, unconscious forces at play. This is where the concept of Immunity to Change, introduced by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, offers valuable insight.
The Immunity to Change framework reveals that while we consciously commit to adopting new habits, we also hold competing commitments—unconscious beliefs that act like an immune system, keeping us locked in our current behaviours. These beliefs are often rooted in fear, self-perception, or hidden assumptions that stand in the way of real change. For example, someone might want to meditate daily to reduce stress, but a competing commitment tied to perfectionism or fear of failure may prevent them from following through.
This internal resistance is further complicated by how our brains work. The concept of neuroplasticity—our brain’s ability to rewire itself in response to new behaviours—plays a critical role here. While neuroplasticity enables us to build new habits, it also means that well-worn neural pathways tied to old behaviours are difficult to break (think about when a path through a grass field is rerouted - it takes a while for the grass to grow back over the old path). Repetition and small, consistent actions are required to reshape these pathways.
In the context of resilience and personal growth, understanding our immunity to change helps us confront the invisible barriers that keep us from making progress. Just as building resilience requires gradual, intentional effort, so too does overcoming our unconscious resistance to change. By embracing both the science of habit formation and the deeper psychological forces at play, we can start to build habits that truly stick, fostering lasting personal transformation.
The Struggle to Change—It's Not Just About Willpower
This fact can seem surprising since we often hear that building new habits comes down to sheer willpower or discipline. However, this belief can be misleading and oversimplifies the true complexity of personal change. While willpower might help you start on the right path, it’s rarely enough to sustain long-term habit change on its own.
The real challenge often lies beneath the surface in the form of competing commitments—the subconscious beliefs and behaviours that keep us stuck in our comfort zones. Even when we consciously want to adopt a new habit, our mind might hold us back, trying to shield us from discomfort, fear of failure, or perceived risks. These subconscious barriers, or competing commitments, act like an internal defence mechanism. They work to safeguard us from potential discomfort or threats, but in doing so, they also block the very changes we’re striving to achieve.
For example, you may want to start exercising regularly, but a competing, subconscious commitment to avoid discomfort or fear of judgment at the gym could override your conscious goal. Until these hidden barriers are acknowledged and addressed, you may find yourself reverting to old habits despite your best intentions.
To create meaningful and lasting change, it’s crucial to uncover these unconscious commitments, challenge the underlying beliefs, and gradually expand your comfort zone. Real transformation requires not just willpower, but also an understanding of the inner forces at play that can sabotage your progress.
Research shows that even when faced with the reality of life or death, only 1 out of 7 heart patients can change their habits. This stark reality is a powerful example of Immunity to Change, and is often used as an example of its impact by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey. (Great YouTube video here)
The Role of Deep-Seated Beliefs and Self-Perception
Many of our competing commitments are driven by deep-seated, unconscious beliefs—often referred to as big assumptions. These are ingrained ideas we hold about ourselves and the world that, while largely outside our conscious awareness, shape how we act and respond to challenges.
For example:
- Someone might genuinely want to exercise regularly, but beneath the surface lies a fear of judgment or failure. They may hold the assumption, “I’m not the kind of person who works out,” and this belief can quietly derail their efforts every time they try to begin.
- Similarly, a person may desire to set healthier boundaries but fear being perceived as unreliable or selfish. They may carry the assumption, “If I say no, people will think less of me.” This fear of how others perceive them may stop them from taking action, even when they know that setting boundaries is essential for their well-being.
These unconscious beliefs sit quietly outside our field of awareness, often sabotaging our efforts to change before we even realise it. This is why self-awareness is so critical in the process of change. By bringing these assumptions to the surface, we can challenge them and begin to dismantle the hidden barriers that prevent us from moving forward.
Through coaching, reflection, or intentional self-inquiry, we can uncover these hidden beliefs and develop the insight necessary to reframe our thinking. This shift helps unlock the potential for lasting change, allowing us to move past the self-imposed limitations that have held us back.
Resilience, Micro-Habits, and Immunity to Change
Building resilience isn't just about enduring tough situations; it's also about gradually rewiring our brains to better handle the challenges we face, and this is where micro-habits come into play. Micro-habits—small, easily achievable actions (the focus of last week’s blog)—are essential tools that allow us to work through our Immunity to Change. By introducing small, manageable changes, we reduce mental resistance and begin to break down the competing commitments that often hold us back.
These tiny habits serve as stepping stones, helping to bypass the mental roadblocks that larger, more daunting goals often trigger. For example, instead of committing to an hour-long workout each day, starting with just five minutes can be a more realistic entry point, one that avoids triggering fears of failure or judgment. This consistency lays the foundation for long-term change, as each small win builds a sense of capability and progress. It also prevents us from feeling overwhelmed and potentially unsafe (due to unfamiliarity).
Micro-habits work in tandem with neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself. With consistent repetition, even small habits create new neural pathways, allowing these actions to become more automatic over time. This shift makes it easier to adopt new behaviours, reinforcing the changes we want to see in ourselves, even as we work to overcome the deep-rooted beliefs that trigger our Immunity to Change.
It is also crucial to practice self-compassion and mindfulness throughout this process since it helps us recognise the hidden assumptions fueling our competing commitments. Instead of harsh self-criticism, we can approach ourselves with curiosity and understanding, creating the emotional space needed to gently challenge those limiting beliefs. This compassionate awareness is key to creating sustainable change, allowing us to gradually loosen the grip of our internal "immune system" that has been working to protect us, but ultimately keeps us from growing.
By combining resilience-building through micro-habits, the science of neuroplasticity, and the mindful awareness of our inner barriers, we can begin to dismantle the hidden forces that prevent meaningful change, step by step.
Identifying Your Competing Commitments
Real, lasting change doesn’t come from just setting goals—it comes from uncovering and understanding the unconscious beliefs that hold us back. These hidden commitments often create an internal resistance to the very habits we know will improve our lives. To begin shifting this resistance, the first step is to identify what’s standing in the way.
Encouraging Self-Reflection:
Start by engaging in self-reflection to explore the internal barriers that might be stopping your progress. Ask yourself questions like:
- Why am I struggling to introduce this habit?
- What are the fears or doubts that arise when I think about maintaining this habit?
- What might I be afraid of losing if I successfully adopt this habit?
These questions help reveal the deeper fears or assumptions that are driving your competing commitments. For example, a person may realise they avoid exercising regularly because they associate failure with past attempts or fear judgment from others.
Practical Strategies for Uncovering Hidden Beliefs:
1. Journaling:
Use journaling as a tool for introspection. Write about your goals and the challenges you’re experiencing in trying to meet them. Focus on exploring what feelings or resistance arise when you think about making changes. For instance, ask yourself, What assumptions am I holding onto that make me feel stuck?
2. Self-Inquiry:
Dive deeper by asking reflective questions, such as:
- What stories have I been telling myself about why this habit is difficult for me?
- Am I holding onto a belief that change is impossible for someone like me?
- Do I fear losing part of my identity if I adopt this new habit?
3. Pattern Recognition:
Look for patterns in your responses. Do certain thoughts or feelings come up repeatedly? These recurring themes can point to your competing commitments—such as the belief that setting boundaries will disappoint others, or that making time for self-care will appear selfish.
By taking time to reflect and observe these patterns, you can begin to challenge the assumptions and beliefs that silently sabotage your efforts. Only when we shine a light on our competing commitments can we begin to dismantle them and make way for meaningful, sustained growth.
Shifting Your Perspective: Moving Beyond the Immunity to Change
Recognising your competing commitments and underlying assumptions is the first step toward real change, but it’s only part of the process. Once these hidden barriers are brought to light, they must be tested and challenged to dismantle the internal resistance that’s been holding you back. This involves gradually stepping out of your comfort zone and gathering evidence that these assumptions are either untrue or no longer relevant.
Challenging Your Beliefs:
As you begin to test these assumptions, take small, intentional actions that go against the grain of your competing commitments. For instance, if you fear that saying no will lead to rejection, try setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Observe the outcomes and note how your initial fears were either unfounded or manageable. By consciously engaging with these discomforts, you weaken the power of the assumptions, showing your mind that the perceived risks are not as threatening as they once seemed.
The Role of Awareness in Overcoming Barriers:
Awareness is the foundation of growth and resilience. Once you become aware of the forces driving your behaviour—both conscious and unconscious—you can begin to override the autopilot mode that keeps you stuck in old patterns. Awareness helps you pause, reflect, and choose a new response rather than automatically reverting to old behaviours. As you build this mindful awareness, you strengthen your ability to face challenges with resilience and intention.
Reshaping Your Identity Through Habits:
One powerful way to move beyond the Immunity to Change is to shift your focus from the outcome of a habit to the identity you wish to embody. As James Clear explains in "Atomic Habits," lasting habit formation is less about the specific goals we set and more about the identity we align ourselves with. For example, instead of thinking, "I want to eat healthier," reframe it as "I am someone who makes healthy choices." This subtle but impactful shift allows you to align your actions with a new sense of self, reinforcing the behaviours needed to maintain those habits over time.
By focusing on identity-based habits, you root your actions in a deeper sense of purpose, making it easier to sustain those behaviours long-term. As your identity evolves, the habits that once felt difficult begin to align more naturally with who you are becoming. This approach helps you reframe challenges as part of the ongoing process of growth, rather than obstacles that derail your progress.
Breaking Free from the Immunity to Change
Moving beyond the Immunity to Change requires a combination of awareness, action, and self-compassion. By recognising and challenging your competing commitments, reshaping your identity, and approaching change with a sense of curiosity, you can gradually overcome the internal barriers that have been holding you back and start building habits that support long-term growth and resilience.
Breaking the Cycle and Building Resilience
To truly break the cycle of stagnation and step into meaningful change, we must first understand the power of Immunity to Change. By recognising the invisible forces—like unconscious beliefs and competing commitments—that silently work against us, we unlock the key to overcoming the obstacles to habit formation. It’s this awareness that empowers us to reshape not just our actions but the underlying thoughts that hold us back.
The path to change isn’t about radical overhauls or monumental efforts—it’s built through small, consistent actions. These tiny steps, when repeated over time, rewire our brain through neuroplasticity and help us shift both our habits and our deep-seated beliefs. By slowly challenging our old patterns, we create space for new behaviours to emerge, fostering resilience in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.
It’s time to start reflecting on the commitments and beliefs that are holding you back. Ask yourself: What hidden assumptions have been standing in the way of my growth? What small shifts can I make today to begin dismantling those barriers? Remember, it’s these small, intentional changes that lead to the most profound and lasting transformations.
You can also download this worksheet that will help you uncover your hidden barriers.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I invite you to express an interest in one of my workshops or a coaching programme focused on habit formation and personal growth. Together, we’ll explore how to uncover your hidden commitments, develop resilience, and build habits that align with the person you want to become.
