Overcoming Self-Doubt & Building Confidence: Rewriting the Stories Holding You Back
Our mindset is such a powerful driver of confidence and success, shaping the way we tackle challenges, connect with others, and pursue our goals. At the heart of this mindset are the stories we tell ourselves—narratives often influenced by past experiences, beliefs, or even society’s expectations. Many of us have been carrying these narratives for years, sometimes without even realising, and they subtly shape how we see ourselves and what we believe is possible.
In my coaching, self-doubt and confidence come up time and again, no matter a person’s background, gender, or job title. Self-doubt can creep into every corner of life—from our careers to our relationships—and often becomes an invisible wall standing between us and true fulfilment. Building genuine confidence is a transformational journey, one that so many of us are looking for as we work to let go of limiting beliefs and step into what we’re actually capable of. So today, I want to share a few simple steps we can all try to build a deeper, lasting sense of confidence.
As we’ve talked about in previous blogs, supportive inner narratives are a powerful force, pushing us forward and giving us the courage to take risks, learn from our mistakes, and trust in ourselves. But when self-doubt gets woven into these narratives, it creates barriers—some we see, and some we don’t—that hold us back and stop us from reaching our potential. These limiting thoughts often run on autopilot, quietly sabotaging progress and keeping us in cycles of hesitation, fear, or procrastination.
In this blog, I’ll dive into some practical ways to spot and reframe the thoughts that might be holding us back, so we can start crafting a new, empowering story—one that’s based on our goals and strengths, rather than our fears.
Unpacking Self-Doubt: Why We All Feel It and How to Challenge It
Self-doubt is that nagging uncertainty we feel about our abilities, choices, or even our worth. It’s that little voice asking, “Am I truly capable? Do I really deserve this?” And while it can feel isolating, self-doubt is a shared experience—something almost everyone grapples with at one time or another. It often pops up as we face new challenges, pursue big dreams, or navigate the parts of life that matter most. In a way, it’s a reminder of our vulnerability and our humanity.
There are a few key reasons why self-doubt can be such a familiar obstacle. Past experiences, for instance—like failures, rejections, or harsh criticisms—can leave a mark, ready to resurface whenever we step into similar situations. There’s also the weight of societal expectations. Sometimes we feel we’re supposed to live up to someone else’s idea of success or constantly compare ourselves to idealised images of how we “should” be. And then there are our own standards, often driven by perfectionism, that can set the bar so high it feels nearly impossible to reach.
Self-doubt doesn’t show up the same way for everyone, and our experience of it can often be shaped by gender expectations. For many women, societal pressures to meet high standards of “perfection” can lead to a strong inner critic, scrutinising every move. Meanwhile, men may feel pressure to appear strong and unwavering, making it harder to acknowledge self-doubt. These gendered expectations influence how self-doubt can manifest and how we respond to it. But it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience—self-doubt affects each of us in our own unique ways, and understanding its roots is essential as we work toward building genuine confidence.
Our own brain plays a big role, too. It’s constantly trying to predict outcomes based on what we’ve been through before, aiming to help us navigate life as smoothly as possible. But this predictive function can backfire, reinforcing self-doubt by focusing on past failures or criticisms. If our brain has registered certain memories as significant—like times when things went wrong—it will often predict similar outcomes in future situations, even if things have changed. So before we’ve even started, our mind might “warn” us with doubts, a kind of self-protection that can feel all too convincing.
This tendency to anticipate the worst can make self-doubt seem logical, as if our brain is simply “being realistic.” But often, it’s a flawed mechanism that puts too much weight on past struggles rather than current strengths. By understanding this pattern, we can start to challenge self-doubt, recognising that these predictions aren’t necessarily true reflections of who we are now. By questioning these assumptions, we begin shifting our mindset, encouraging our brain to create new, more positive predictions that reflect our growth and resilience.
Self-Doubt in Action: Signs You Can See
Self-sabotaging thoughts are the subtle (or not-so-subtle) voices whispering things like, “I’m not good enough,” “I always mess things up,” or “People like me don’t succeed.” These thoughts don’t just sit in our minds—they influence how we approach life and even how we physically show up. Our body language often mirrors these beliefs without us realising it. When we carry thoughts like, “I always fail” or “I don’t belong here,” we might adopt a posture that reflects insecurity. Shoulders hunch, eye contact falters, and we tend to make ourselves appear smaller, as if we’re shrinking from being seen or judged.
If you believe something like, “People don’t engage with me in social situations,” have you ever considered how you’re actually showing up in those moments? Often, when we hold doubts, we unknowingly enter a room with closed-off body language—arms crossed, hesitant steps, or avoiding eye contact. These cues can signal to others (and to ourselves) that we’re not feeling confident, reinforcing the narrative and keeping us stuck in a cycle of self-doubt.
But when we begin to shift those inner narratives—replacing “I don’t belong here” with “I have something to offer”—our body language follows suit. We stand taller, make more eye contact, and move with purpose, creating an open, welcoming presence that aligns with our strengths. Recognising the impact of our inner dialogue on how we physically show up allows us to break free from habits that reinforce self-doubt and embrace a posture that reflects our true potential.
The Power of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Have you ever thought, “I’m just not good enough,” and then found yourself spotting every little thing that seems to confirm it? These moments are part of a powerful phenomenon called self-fulfilling prophecies, where our beliefs shape what we notice, how we interpret situations, and ultimately, how we behave. The tricky part is that these beliefs—especially those rooted in self-doubt—don’t just sit passively. They act like magnets, drawing in evidence that reinforces the story we’re telling ourselves, often without us realising it.
Collecting Evidence for Our Narrative
When we hold onto a belief, like “I always fail at this” or “People don’t value what I have to say,” we unconsciously start collecting evidence to back it up. Our mind scans for instances that support this narrative, noticing small stumbles or moments of self-doubt, while overlooking successes or positive interactions. Over time, this selective perception shapes our reality, and our original belief feels more and more “true.”
For example, if you’ve convinced yourself, “I’m not great at socialising,” your mind might be primed to notice a casual glance or passing remark and interpret it as disinterest, even if there’s no real reason to. This strengthens your belief, leading to behaviours—like hesitating to engage or pulling back—that reinforce the feeling of not fitting in.
Fortifying Self-Doubt Through Our Actions
This loop of collecting “evidence” for self-doubt gradually fortifies it, building a wall of proof that becomes hard to challenge. The more we let these self-doubt-driven beliefs guide our actions, the more we reinforce them. It’s like being on a roundabout, spinning in circles, seeing the same scenery each time and mistaking it for all there is.
Breaking the Cycle: Challenging the Narrative
Breaking out of this cycle starts with awareness. When you catch yourself slipping into one of these narratives, pause and ask: “Is this belief based on fact or a pattern I’ve kept repeating?” What if you actively searched for evidence that counteracts the doubt? If the thought is, “I’m not good enough at my job,” try noting down moments when you’ve met a challenge head-on or made a positive impact. Balancing the narrative with real moments of success helps unravel the belief’s hold.
Rewriting the Story with New Evidence
To really break the cycle, it helps to shift your focus intentionally. Experiment with reframing your self-fulfilling prophecies into positive ones. Instead of “People don’t listen to me,” try, “My voice has value.” Collect evidence that supports this—like the moments when someone appreciated your input. Over time, gathering this intentional evidence feels more natural, building a new story rooted in confidence and resilience.
Self-fulfilling prophecies can feel incredibly powerful, but by recognising the cycle and choosing to rewrite the narrative, we can step into a more balanced and empowering perspective.
Practical Guide to Breaking Free from Self-Sabotaging Narratives
Step 1: Remember Common Humanity—We All Experience Self-Doubt
Exercise: Whenever self-doubt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re not alone. Self-doubt isn’t a personal flaw; it’s a shared human experience. Many people, even those who seem confident, struggle with similar feelings.
Example Reflection: When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m the only one who feels this way,” try rephrasing it to, “Others feel this too; I’m not alone in this experience.” This reminder can reduce feelings of isolation and help ease the pressure of self-doubt.
Step 2: Start with Self-Compassion
Exercise: Begin tuning into how you’re speaking to yourself. When self-doubt pops up, ask yourself, “Would I speak to a friend this way?” Practicing compassion helps you treat yourself with the kindness you’d naturally extend to others.
Example: Instead of thinking, “I’m such a failure,” try, “I’m doing the best I can, just like everyone else.”
Step 3: Notice and Name Self-Sabotaging Thoughts
Exercise: Identify and label those self-doubting thoughts without judgement. Recognise that these thoughts are part of the shared human experience—they don’t define you.
Example: Label thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” as “self-doubt,” understanding that such thoughts are part of being human and are not unique to you.
Step 4: Gather Positive Evidence
Exercise: Set aside time daily to jot down three positive experiences or interactions that contradict your self-doubting narratives. Acknowledging these helps balance your perspective.
Example: “I received encouragement from my team,” “A friend asked for my advice,” or “I handled that challenge well.” Remember, these small wins are part of the shared human journey of growth and resilience.
Step 5: Reframe and Rewrite the Narrative
Exercise: Reframe common self-doubts with statements that reflect growth, shared experience, and compassion. For example, replace “I’ll never get this right” with “Learning takes time, and everyone struggles sometimes.”
Example: Rewrite “I always mess up” as “Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m learning along the way.”Repeating these statements helps build a more compassionate, balanced mindset.
Step 6: Reflect Regularly
Exercise: Once a week, reflect on moments where recognising common humanity helped ease self-doubt. Write down any changes you notice in your mindset or body language.
Example Prompt: “How did reminding myself that others feel this way too help me this week? What’s one thing I’m proud of for handling differently?”
Step 7: Celebrate Small Wins
Exercise: At the end of each week, celebrate the small steps you took to address self-doubt and recognise shared experiences. Acknowledge that self-doubt is universal—and so is resilience.
Example: “I reminded myself that others struggle with self-doubt too,” or “I approached that challenge with a more compassionate mindset.”
Building a stronger, more supportive inner narrative is an ongoing process, one that’s supported by practices we’ve covered in other blogs—like With Awareness Comes Choice, Learning To Be Enough, and Is Your Inner Critic Running the Show? Each of these elements plays a vital role in reshaping the stories we tell ourselves, allowing us to shift from self-doubt to self-belief in a way that feels genuine and lasting.
If you’re looking to dive deeper into these ideas or want a more tailored approach, consider exploring my coaching services or attending one of my workshops. Together, we can explore strategies and tools to help you transform self-doubt into resilience and create a narrative that truly aligns with your strengths and potential. You’re not alone in this journey, and with the right support, you can build a solid foundation for confidence and growth.
Remember, every step—no matter how small—is a step toward a stronger, kinder inner dialogue.
